Entry 1
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"Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at."
-John Berger |
The image still burns in her mind.
She looks around to see who is watching and scoots to the edge of her seat, making sure her thighs are not touching [a sigh of relief]. She looks down and examines her body as she walks [a little slower to stop the jiggling]. When she goes to the grocery store the image is yelling at her. "CHECK THE CALORIES!" [no. no. no. no.] Passing on the crackers and chocolate covered almonds, she leaves with frozen veggies and 80 calorie yogurt cups. She feels good, yet deprived. Tomorrow she's determined not to care so much.
ah-oo-ga. ah-oo-ga. She turns off her phone alarm and lays in bed, thinking.
- what the heck am i going to wear today? probably pants because everything else makes you look like a heifer.
- yogurt will have to do for breakfast. i should have gotten the fat free granola to go with it. but it was 210 calories for 1/4 a cup...not worth it.
- UUUGH, i need to work out today. maybe my roommates will go with me.
Two jeans and four shirts later, she finds an outfit she feels decent in [why does everything look so bad?] Forty-two seconds are then spent looking at every possible angle [whatever. it'll work.] Not convincing herself, she fears no one else will be convinced either. She tightens her stomach muscles to appear an inch thinner and walks out the door. Her reflection that morning will stay with her and effect every move she makes.
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Entry 2
On her drive home, she starts to wonder why she thinks so negatively about herself. [i can't remember anyone putting pressure on me to look a certain way and no one has ever negatively commented on my shape.] She looks in the rear view mirror, almost in tears.
Looking through some old stuff she uncovers a few home videos and kindergarden projects that her mom has held on to. Nothing suggested her weight was ever a problem. When she comes across a box of photos, she smiles. There she is on the happiest day of her life - Disneyland.
She remembers holding her father's hand,
anxiously waiting to go inside Cinderella's Castle
to meet the beautiful princesses from her favorite movies.
[i used to love the dresses they wore,
their long flowing hair, and the way they
always ended up marrying the guy of their dreams --]
[wait a minute!]
All of those years dressing up as Jasmine, Cinderella, and Belle; learning to be flawless. [but that's impossible.] She starts to question her entire upbringing: the toys, the books, the magazines, the television. [i've been brainwashed.]
She sat for a minute - realizing the effect society has had on her. [oh my.]
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Entry 3
Lions, Tigers, Bears.
[wouldn't it be nice to be an animal; not a care in the world; no worries about being 'the right' size or having 'the right' look.] She thinks looking in the mirror as she tries on hundred $$$ hats.
"This hat makes my face look fat."
"How can a hat make you look fat?"
"I don't know, it makes my face rounder than it normally is. Which one do you think is the most flattering?"
"You're going to the Kentucky Derby; you don't need the most flattering hat, you need a fabulous one. I like the fourth hat you tried on - the purple one. It'll make you stand out in the glamours of the crowd."
Two bloody marries down and she starts to forget about her insecurities.
Alcohol does that to her. She doesn't eat much, so when she does, it hits her fast.
Her father sees an empty hand and buys her a mint julep.
two's company, three's a crowd
Her third drink is always the emotional one.
"Can I have another?!"
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Entry 4
The next day was spent recuperating
on the couch with water and Tylenol. She turned on a Sex
and the City marathon to drown out the noisy birds singing a familiar tune near her livingroom window. She was currently on the episode four in season
three, “Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl.” She loved this episode because Charlotte dresses
as a drag king model for one of the artists in the gallery she works at. It
amused her how easily people can change their outer appearances.
Z
Z
Z
Z
Z
.
. . How can anyone tell what's real?
She was passing a news stand when she was forced to
stop by a pair of familiar eyes. They were hers, and they were on the cover of Woman’s Health. Her body was missing, and
in its place was the body of a much leaner woman. But then she saw it: her
birthmark. It had to be her body, she had never seen anyone else with a treble clef
on inside of their thigh, at least not a natural one. She looked down to
verify that she was who she thought she was.
[what
the heck? who is that?]
The attendant noticed the confused look on her face,
and thought she should know the truth - "the distinction between ‘reality’ and ‘the
real’: the one is displayed, the other demonstrated” (Barthes 175).
‘CARRIE! CARRIE!” She looked back to see Charlotte
waving her down.
“claire,
claire.”
Her
dad woke her up to make sure she didn’t need anything from the store.
“No, I’m fine. Thanks.”
She noticed a magazine laying on the ground beside
the couch.
[liar.]
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Her body.
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Entry 5
[Bikini Ready in 7 Days? Yes, please show me how!]
Summer time means vacation time.
Her family had planned a trip to California and she had one week until she could feel the comfort of the sun bleached sand cling to her body.
It was not what she wanted it to be.
She made a check list:
[]Thighs
[]Arms
[]Butt
[]Abs
[large to small in seven days?]
She made a check list:
[]Thighs
[]Arms
[]Butt
[]Abs
[large to small in seven days?]
LARGE
BARGE
SARGE
SERGE
SHELF
SHELL
SMELL
SMALL
It wasn't going to be easy.
She didn't reach her goal, and she felt foolish sitting on the beach in shorts and a t-shirt.
Her Aunt told her to that she wan't going to get any color if she stayed in her clothes.
Her younger brother wanted her to play in the water with him.
Why was she so uncomfortable? It was her family. The people who have watched her grow up, the people that helped her with anything she needed. She thought about this for a while.
She didn't reach her goal, and she felt foolish sitting on the beach in shorts and a t-shirt.
Her Aunt told her to that she wan't going to get any color if she stayed in her clothes.
Her younger brother wanted her to play in the water with him.
Why was she so uncomfortable? It was her family. The people who have watched her grow up, the people that helped her with anything she needed. She thought about this for a while.
[who cares?!]
Off with the clothes and into the water.
“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”
-henry david thoreau
